things that make me cry

things that make me cry

the other afternoon i
ran across this
video on twitter that
budwesier had put out

it was a video
paying tribute to
dwyane wade on
his last day on the
court in miami

the caption said
“grab the tissues”
but i didn’t listen

i should have listened

i bawled like a baby. not just
tears streaming down
your face crying,
no, we’re talking
audible sobs that
wake your dog from his
nap, crying.

and that is the thing that made me
cry the other afternoon

the day before, kyle
korver had published some
thoughts he had written regarding
racism and white privelege

and there i was, on the
bike at the gym, in
tears over someone
else’s experiences of
privilege and our
place in the conversation
surrounding race

last week, it was an
article on the
experiences surrounding
suicidal ideation and
how that doesn’t
always mean you really want to
kill yourself, but some
days it’d be nice if you did.

last month, i found myself
bawling in the
bathtub because i
watched a music
video where someone’s
dog died

i always am the first to
cry while watching
military coming home
videos because i
love when families can be
together again

i am in instant tears watching
basketball players take their last
steps off the court
ever

sometimes i watch videos of
walk-on college athletes receiving
scholarships just to
feel something

but i couldn’t cry at my
grandpa’s funeral

when i think of the man that i
love the most in this
world, and how i will
never see him again, I
feel nothing

when i talk about my
trauma, or what my
relationship with my
dad looked like while I was in
high school, or about the time i was
thirteen and had to talk my dearest
friend in the whole wide world that his
life was worth living, i am so
factual you wouldn’t even
believe there was ever
pain to be felt.

sometimes i feel like i am
so strong
so hard
so unemotional that i
don’t know how
to feel pain
to hurt
to grieve

this morning, the
thing that made me cry, it was a
ted talk about grief

and the speaker, her
name is nora, she
talked about this:

we don’t move on from grief
we move forward with it

and i cried

because whether you’re
grieving the loss of a
loved one, or the
loss of a relationship, or the
loss of a part of yourself, i’m not so
sure there will ever be a
way to move forward without
taking a part of that
loss with you without
letting it form you, without
letting it change you.

some days i look my
trauma in the eye and say
“go to hell”,
and some days i want to add
“and take me with you”

but no matter our trauma,
no matter our loss
we are still breathing
and moving
and feeling

so cry about the cute doggo
dying in the music video

cry over your favorite
nba player’s career

cry when players walk off the
court for the very last
time, and when walk-ons
receive scholarships

cry for every dumb thing you
possibly can

because you lived through that
trauma, you made it through that
loss, and it did not take your
humanity from you

you are still here

so live
and breathe
and laugh
and fight for the
things that make you cry

Advertisements

alone

alone

too often,
trauma gets dismissed as
just in our head.
but the pain is real.
we feel it.
in our muscles,
our cells,
our hearts,
our heads.
and while there’s no magic fix,
no pill to make it disappear,
we can ask for help.
and we can tell our truth
whenever we’re ready.

(meredith grey // grey’s anatomy)

alone i have been
crying in my small
apartment while i watch the
newest episode of grey’s for the
sixth and the seventh and the
eighth time while i watch a
woman on a medical show get a
rape kit while i hear her
cries as she talks about the
terror of talking about it of
speaking up i remember my
own experiences my tears as i
called the person that i once thought
made me feel the safest and
couldn’t even get the words to
come out of my mouth i had to
text him while on the phone and he did
n o t h i n g  i remember
calling the cops and feeling
terrified when i saw the only
officer they sent was a
man to be alone with me in my
home as i tell him about what
another man had done to me just
minutes earlier what i don’t remember is
what safety looks like or how to
exist in a world filled with
men i don’t know and even the
ones i do know i don’t remember
walking my dog and not having to
worry about who was looking at
my body as i was just trying to
do my dog the justice of giving him the
exercise he needs i don’t remember
letting a man pay for my drink without
feeling like he will ask for something
more in return i live
alone in a building with two
men who have no
concept of how
vulnerable i am i
swear some days i am the most
powerful the bravest the
strongest woman you ever did
see i binge watch
rape and abuse crime
shows to remind myself that
women like me
we do get justice
someday but other days i
watch a medical show and see
myself on that table and
my bruises on her body
all over again i
cry for the women who
know pain like i do
who see the
hands of a man
long after they have left
bless the people who
open their mouths about
rape and assault because
we need to talk about it
i need you to talk about it
i am tired of talking about it
alone

brave

brave

you are brave

even when they
don’t believe you

you are brave

even when your
days aren’t so bad

you are brave

even when your
heart is breaking
even when your
muscles are tired and aching

even when you’re at the
end of your rope

you are brave

you are brave

even when your
body can’t take
all the shit
any longer

you are brave

every time you
show up to a
therapy session

every time you’re
honest with her

every time you
make it past that
second
and third
and fourth court date

you are brave

you are brave
you are brave

you are brave

every time you
speak his name

you are brave

every time you
submerge yourself in
laughter

you are brave

every time you
find yourself breathing
through yet another day

you are brave

and please don’t ever
imagine a moment
in which you are not

worth it all

i wish you knew
what you’re worth

that’s what he said to me

i wish you knew
what you’re worth

as if i don’t love myself enough
as if i haven’t had to put my big girl panties on
and deal with it
as if i don’t know what it means
to go through it alone
absolutely alone
as if i haven’t been living
in a world where
i can’t count on anyone
to check in on me even semi-regularly

as if i hadn’t already learned
that the best person to love me
will always be me
because i will always be there
when i fall

i breathe calmly
because i’m worth that
i sleep in
because i’m worth that
i stay at home
on a friday night
because i’m worth that

i’m worth all the
extra care
i’m worth all the
effort it takes to
cater to my triggers

i’m worth all the
gentleness needed to
ensure i feel safe
i’m worth the time
and the energy
and the intention
it takes to make sure
i’m still breathing
for one more day

and you’re worth that, too

you’re worth the extra care

you’re worth the extra long hugs
and the late night phone calls
and the hour long yoga sessions

you’re worth the glasses of wine
and the girls night outs
and the 9pm bedtimes

the FRIENDS marathons
and entire vegan cheesecakes
and that cute-but-spendy shirt you saw
in the boutique window downtown

you’re worth a healthy lifestyle change
no matter what anyone says about it
and the extra splurge to go to the gym you love
and the ticket to see your favorite musician

you’re worth every therapy session
and the date with the very nice man
that might not get a second
and all the puppy cuddles in the world

you’re worth all of the love
and peace
and joy
this wild, wild world
has to offer you

because what he did to you
will never take precedence
over who you are

you are deeply loved
the whole of you
and you are worth it all

boundaries

boundaries

your world
doesn’t have to be a
revolving door

i find myself opening myself up
to every single person
i cross paths with

and that’s okay

it’s okay to bare my soul
to the people around me

to allow them to learn
and feel
and grow
and know that they are
not alone

it’s okay to be open about
my past
and also my present
my joy
and my struggles, too

your world
doesn’t have to be
a revolving door

your world
doesn’t have to
rip you apart at the seams
in the name of
“being vulnerable”

and for heaven’s sake
you don’t have to feel
g u i l t y
about it

i’ve been trying to implement
healthy boundaries
boundaries to protect myself
and to protect others from me

b o u n d a r i e s

to keep myself sane
to keep myself gentle
to keep myself honest
to keep myself safe

b o u n d a r i e s

to know my heart
and to place it
in your hands
and know it’s safe

b o u n d a r i e s

to advocate for myself
the things i need
the ways in which
what you do
affects me

b o u n d a r i e s

to do away with guilt
and all of the shame
and rid myself of hurt
and not just give people
what they think they want

b o u n d a r i e s

stand up for yourself
love yourself
know that the way
someone treats you
can affect the
core of your being
build space
allow time for healing
show a shit ton of grace
and create boundaries.

strength

strength

i tried to lift
my body today.

it wasn’t pretty,
believe me.

i weigh
substantially less
than i did
a year ago, but
somehow
i felt heavier.

and then i remember
every second of the night
he changed my life,
every time i’ve
cried myself to sleep
hoping to wake up
from this nightmare,
every moment since
that i’ve taken
to build the person
i am today

i feel heavier
from the effort it takes
to get out of bed
in the morning,
from the amount of
work it requires
to make myself seem
presentable for the public,
from the times I feel
the need to
complain about the weather
because it makes
everything else seem
a little less awful.

or maybe i feel heavier,
because i’m stronger
i’m stronger
for each time i’ve
said his name,
for each time i’ve
told another human
what he did to me.

i’m stronger
for every moment
i’ve trudged forward,
for every time
i’ve filled my lungs
with one more breath.

for every tear i’ve cried
for every hand i’ve held
for every time
i’ve let another human
love me.

for every time
i’ve loved myself

i’ve been exercising again
for merely weeks now.
someday i will be stronger
strong enough
to run the half marathon
strong enough
to lift my body

but right now
i am strong enough
to live another day
and that alone
is all the strength
i need

“be gentle”

While we are cleaning
throughout our work day,
often I will hear
“Kate! Help!”

The vacuum chord is
tangled in knots
or the garbage bag
won’t open.

And I will hear her
struggle aloud,
and I’ll turn the corner
and see her mercilessly
shaking the bag
or violently jerking
the chord.

“Be gentle,”
I will tell her.
“How can we see
how to fix this
if we cannot see
the problem?”

And she will slow down,
identify the location of the knot
and pull the chord through.

Gentle.

I am learning
what it means
to have a gentle spirit.

To walk through this world
as if I am not battered
beaten
bruised
for just a moment.

I am trying
with all of my might
to see flowers as beautiful
and not as things
that will die eventually, too.

I am looking for grace
in the body I
all so often feel like I’m
stuck in.

I am searching for love
inside of my heart
and have no idea
where to find it.

“Be gentle,”
I tell myself.
“How can we see
how to fix this
when we cannot see
the problem?”

How can I know beauty
when I don’t allow any
beauty within myself?

How can I know grace
when I have none for
my bruises and scars?

How can I see love
when I don’t know what
my heart looks like?

How can I fix
what I deem to be
such a problem
if I do not allow myself
to see who I
was made to be
in the first place?

And then I breathe.
Because gentleness allows
true problems to be seen
and gives us a space
to fix them.

Life is so much
simpler
easier
better
when we are
gentle with it.

People are so much
kinder
when we approach them
with grace
calmness
peace.

The stress from trauma,
the anxiety from memories,
the overwhelming sadness from depression;
they are far from enough
to push you over the edge.

But laugher is tranquility,
and beauty is grace,
and life is a little better
when we are gentle with it.